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(10 scratched-up Jean Greys |*mrow*| This cat's got claws!!)

Another Good-Bye [22 Sep 2002|09:36am]
[ mood | morose ]

Well old girl, it's been good with you. *looks at this journal*

...it's time once again that I leave this place. I know it sounds ridiciolus, but...I want to start over with a happier life. I'm going to try to be more enjoyable in my next LJ. *slight smile*

I'm still broken down. It's going to take a while to heal, but hey...*shruggs* I got all the time in the world.

I want this next journal to be known by only close friends...or maybe friends that know where I am and can protect me...and where I can protect them. A haven.

And so...you can all see me at xxxblack_catxxx

I'll be waiting...


(8 scratched-up Jean Greys |*mrow*| This cat's got claws!!)

Grr... [21 Sep 2002|07:20pm]
[ mood | disappointed ]

Shit. I hate liars. I hate people who use me. And guess what? I've been used. :(

I won't say who did it, but trust me, I'm sure the person who is responsible isn't reading this anymore, so most likely none of you are on my list.

*slunks* I'm sick, and I come home to this. ...I just...wish...*tears stream down*...I just wish people wouldn't do it. I seem to be used all the time now. It must be me, you know? I think something's wrong with my personality.

I didn't want to be hit on depression. Why? Because it seems so annoying for you guys for me to go crying to you. I feel so guility. But this...this takes the cake of anything.

*hugs self*...I don't know if I want to be on LJ for awhile. I need a break. I feel like the walls are enclosing on me. I'll be back shortly, I just...*throws a book across the wall and sputters* I can't believe what this asshole did to me!!!! :'( If I could get my hands on that jerk...he'd be sorry.

Nothing, NOTHING could make me forgive him. Nothing in this world. I don't forgive people easily for this. *leans head against the floor*

I've never felt so hurt in my life. This is much worse than the time I broke my nose and it kept bleeding like a faucet. Much worse than the time I hit my head and almost had stitches. This...is emotional.

So for now...*looks up at all of you* ...adios...*walks away*

(This cat's got claws!!)

Whooooaaaa... [21 Sep 2002|02:04pm]
[ mood | tired ]

*rubs eyes and collasps on the floor, only to take a cat nap*

Maaaannn...am I tired. I stayed up late and woke up early. Feel like harrasing Sam right now. *evil grin*...I shall do that.

*gets up and slinks over towards her LJ*

(1 scratched-up Jean Grey |*mrow*| This cat's got claws!!)

Mmmm, boy! [21 Sep 2002|07:46am]
[ mood | mellow ]

Which of Jess's Obsessions (both weird and not) are you?

brought to you by Quizilla

I'm special. xD

Ahhh, yes...I feel hyper again!!...*looks at clock*...DAMNIT!...it's only like...8 A.M. *in whiny voice* Commeee onnnnn...be 10:30 soonnnn...xD

*blinks as everybody stares at her* Heh...righttt. :D

Hey, you know what? Thanks for talking to me yesterday Havana and Jess. :) You guys were a blast. xD I forgot about that. Hmmm!

Heh, I got an idea...while I talk in this conversation, I throw in a quiz any given moment and than keep talking again! *in Zim voice* I'm a genius! :D

you're a knee-high sock! gee, you sure like learnin'
what type of sock are you? quiz by allison

Yeaaaaahhh, I like those...xD

See?!?! Just like that!! :D!! Hwa!! *evil grin* I'm sure it's going to annoy the piss outta soon so stay down!

Mom and Dad were off work yesterday so when the kiddies went to school, they went up to the mall to fix Sam's belt, and got me some comics. *hugs 'em* xD They're good. One of the styles is really creepy and weird, but I like it. :D They also got Sammy 'Monster's Inc.' on DVD. :) I like that movie...*looks around* The nerds make me laugh. xD

Quiz of Doooooooom!

brought to you by Quizilla
You're Dib. Positive that we're not alone in this universe, you're a master conspiracy theorist. Attempting to prove Bigfoot, aliens, and government conspiracies exist is tiresome work, though...don't get too bogged down by it. "A chupacabra? But there isn't a goat to feed on for miles!"

Well, I didn't need a test to tell me that. xD

Anywaysss...I tried to stay up late, but like all things...I couldn't do it! *gaspith* DAMN YOU SCHOOL! DAAAMMMNN YOUUUU!!! *falls over in her chair*

OH! That reminds meeee...Sam grabbed a liter of Root Beer and right when I was pouring it for her, she squeezed it and it went all over the floor! xD Jesus, now that I think about it, it WAS funny. But to me it wasn't at the time cause I had to clean it up before Dad saw and plus I got it in my hair. xD

What 60's Crowd Are You "In" With?

You're damn right I am! xD

Daaamn! Hmm! I guess we're not going out today. *scratches head* Eh, it was for the best I guess. xD I think Mom will want to stay home anyways. :)

I'm trying to write (again.) Amazing ain't it? It's a work in progress you could say. I'm getting better. *shruggs* xD It's kinda...nice. You know? :)

Which Sitcom Girlie are you?

brought to you by Quizilla


I...I think I'm done. Wait. Er...one more quiz...than I'll be done. *sounds like she's addicted to cigarettes than quizzes* xD

Which Lady of Camelot Are You?

brought to you by Quizilla
You are Nimue, otherwise known as the Lady of the Lake. Nimue was seen as both a sorceress and a goddess, she was very much a free spirit and a beautiful and powerful enchantress.

Okay, I'm out of here! *swings out*

(4 scratched-up Jean Greys |*mrow*| This cat's got claws!!)

And so they lived happily ever after... [20 Sep 2002|08:42pm]
[ mood | awake ]

Everything's better. Yeah, creepy no? Told you I can't fight for long with anybody. Ever.

Sorry about...me being...insane at that moment. I lost my head. Big time. I was just so...upset. Jealously consumed my head like a vicious bear. It was that bad. I'm just so lonely. But you know, I don't want anybody. Hell, I'm better off alone. You know why? Because sadly I can't look after anybody special.

Ehhhhh, what's it to me to be talking about this?? I'm just going to grow more...scary again. xD

So here's some quizzes to cheer up my old noggin!

*in Boo voice* KITT-AY!Collapse )

[20 Sep 2002|05:26pm]
[ mood | disappointed ]

Shit. Shit, shit, shit. *bangs head against wall until it's sore and bloody*

I'm such a loser. An asshole. A bitch. I hurt her. One of my best friends. I'm the wrong-doer. Not her. And she blames it on herself?

What the fuck!? ...:( I didn't want her to think that. Of course not. Why would I?? It was backwash emotional feelings. It was my sadness talking. My loneliness. GOD!...*cries and puts hands to her face*...

I hate this. I did something horrible. I wanted to explain to her and him that it was okay. Maybe I said it to negatively...? I just wanted her to tell her I knew things were over. She's not a bad person. I did not say she was...and she took it the wrong way. :(

*sighs* Shit. *walks away*...

(1 scratched-up Jean Grey |*mrow*| This cat's got claws!!)

What doesn't kill us, makes us stronger... [20 Sep 2002|04:04pm]
[ mood | groggy ]

Oh man...I feel powerful yet weak. I feel like I won something, yet...lost some of the pieces that I kept in my heart all along. Is this one of those posts that a lonely person might make? Probably. But I don't want this to be a reflection of self-pity. Just a statement. One where I could either look back on this and know where I came to be from my past...

...or laugh.

Isn't it funny...how even if the people you hold on to so dearly... screwed you over. A friend or a boyfriend. Together. They did it. And yet...you still dare to help them. To support their wishes. To make everything count in their relationship like you had long ago. Every now and than I beat myself up from my past. Why couldn't I have been a better girlfriend? Why couldn't I have not seen this coming? How come things are the way they are?

Was it...like a punishment from God or something? Did I do somemthing so terrible to lose what I had so dearly? Things were so great than. Why did they have to be fucked up?!

And than I remember what my Dad taught me. What he told me before in the past. "You can't help it if you fall in love with somebody." So it's not their fault. It happened. Things happen all the time. There's nothing I could do.

It's still not fair. :'( But that's the part of life. Nothing is fair. People get screwed over each day. Sometimes more or less than others. But in the end, everybody get's his or hers in the end. I was taught that before also by the words of a person who took them for granted.

Maybe things get ruined for purposes. Maybe everything will fall in its place at the end of the day...or maybe all the way at the end of life. Maybe I wasn't screwed over. Perhaps there's something more into the story. Something bigger and better that I couldn't understand than...and maybe I'll understand now.

And hell...even if things never work out between me and anybody else, ...I'm still growing stronger each day. A broken heart must strengthen the personality. I can't see how it wouldn't.

*looks down at the ground and stares up in the dark*

Let it be...let it be...whisper words of wisdom...

...let it be...

Which Batman Villian are You?

brought to you by Quizilla

(1 scratched-up Jean Grey |*mrow*| This cat's got claws!!)

*stretches and yawns gradually* [19 Sep 2002|07:12pm]
[ mood | rushed ]

Tirreeddddddd. *leans head against the wall*...I am NOT looking forward to school tomorrow. Why? Math class. I swear, everytime I'm in there, I feel like I'm going to have a heart attack because I'm postive my teacher will yell at me for something. Sure, she yells at everybody but this teacher...*shudders* She's the eptimoe of...scary ones.

Well than...I better go. *runs off quickly*

(2 scratched-up Jean Greys |*mrow*| This cat's got claws!!)

Jesussssssss... [19 Sep 2002|04:32pm]
[ mood | hungry ]

Today's Thursday right?


Yes. Yes it is. xD

God, my calfs on my legs are sore! DAMN YOU GYM! We have to run a mile each day in physical education classes! :o! A shocker...

Speaking of shockers, Sam's nerdy math teacher. Drexler right? is...not...human at ALL. He can't be. Sam says he can run a mile in 4 minutes! The kids in school even saw it! And he ran around the track 9 times, (Which is like...2 1/4 miles) in like...14 minutes! O.O

Sam: *jumps on the bus and does a familar parody* xD YO! You shoulda seen it! The kids in school were ready to break out the can on Drexler and what happens...Drexler runs 2 1/4 miles!

Me: Wait, what? xD

Sam: Drexler ran 2 miles...in 14 minutes.

Me: Drexler ran 2 miles?

Sam: He just ran it and said:...What he say? "Next time, I'm gonna beat you!"

Me: He said that?

Sam: Yeah, said it was payback time and all that.

Me: Wow, ran the mile.

Sam: Yeah, they were all amazed.

Me: Guess the kids will stop picking on him.

Sam: No doubt. Less they can insult him without him knowing.

Me: Wow, Mr. Drexler beat them to their own game.

Sam: Laid the smack on them!

Me: Huh.

Sam: That guy is like a scary alien freak, man.

Me: Who?

Sam: Drexler! First, what? Like he doesn't say two words all year. Nuthin'. Just all in geek mode, right? Then all of a sudden he's all -- He's all throwing kids out of his class, then he's all up in our face. Then he's all beating them in the mile!

Me: You guys should lay off him anyhow. I always said it.

Sam: Yeah, you did...


Oh, my friend Chris wants to join...yeah, that's right...cheerleading. *chuckles a bit* Sounds familar doesn't it? *thinks about it*

(6 scratched-up Jean Greys |*mrow*| This cat's got claws!!)

OOOH! [18 Sep 2002|04:22pm]
[ mood | ecstatic ]


Today is my sister's birthday. ^^!! I hope she has a good 14 years. :D Shall be fun for her. :)

I'd like to thank all you guys who commented in my 'flame-on' post. I...think I understand what's wrong...and I'll improve! ^^ Shall be a good experience. Thank you so much guys...

OH! HEY JON! Haven't seen you in awhile! :D (LOL! Jess, cute pictures! :D)

Aaaahhh...back aboard the train of lonliness for me. NAH! xD I tease. It's not that bad. :) I guess I'm a bit sore because I lost a bit of contact with my...err...crush...and all that, but hey, there's always next time. :D Maybe sparks will fly with him or somebody else...someday.

*is scarily optimistic today* xD;;

Now for quizzes because that's what I'm known for! :D

Nothing's going to change my world...Collapse )

(8 scratched-up Jean Greys |*mrow*| This cat's got claws!!)

Honesty time... [17 Sep 2002|08:14pm]
[ mood | hopeful ]

Can somebody please tell me my flaws? Honestly...I need to know. I'm NOT doing this as a pity-trip or anything. Hell, honestly, I'll be angry if somebody writes, "Oh, nothing is wrong with you! We love you!"

It's not the love part that bothers me. It's the fact that people tell me things. Good things ...and than some of those people hide it behind my back.

So, please...make me happy. Post annoymously and write at least something. TRUST ME, I will NOT get angry. There's nothing in this world you could say to depress me, or make my cry. I swear, I'll even smile!! Honestly! I'm not kidding!

...I just...I just want to know what I do wrong...it's not that much to ask for.

Please. Flame me. No good comments. And you're not a bad person if you do this. You're doing something good. For me. And that's wonderful.

...I'm just scared nobody will write anything...

(This cat's got claws!!)

Holy cats... [16 Sep 2002|08:18pm]
[ mood | good ]

Sam...I can't beguin to tell you how simply lucky you are...:) And it's the small reasons and things that would take to long to say. :)

(3 scratched-up Jean Greys |*mrow*| This cat's got claws!!)

OH GOD! YES! YES! YES!!! [15 Sep 2002|08:19pm]
[ mood | excited ]


*runs around all her pallies* WE'RE NUMBER ONE! WE'RE NUMBER ONE!!!!!!!

WEE-HEE-HEE!!!! :D!!!!!

(4 scratched-up Jean Greys |*mrow*| This cat's got claws!!)

Waits at the window, wearing the face that she keeps in a jar by the door... [15 Sep 2002|11:38am]
[ mood | determined ]

Shit. *lowers head* Why can't I do anything right? In the end, it doesn't matter...I always turn up to be the bad guy, as usual. I try to help but it doesn't matter. No, and that's what I hate about myself. Now you have to know, I'm pretty satisfied with myself, but why do I chase things I can not control? Depression. Ha. It's a joke. Depression is much, much more powerful for me to understand. Especially since I don't know what it's like.

I feel like I got stung in the face. My words feel like absoulute garbage. They probably are. I don't know. I couldn't tell you since it all came from my mind. My advice seems the worse of the bunch.

And who am I kidding?

What was so wrong that you couldn't find a way to carry on?
Second guess
Did I do my best?
There was a friend I had...

...I ain't no fucking hero
I'm just trying to survive myself.

I have to understand. Depression is the beast. It's what warped Havana's mind. Havana didn't yell at me in her journal. It was the Depression. And it's so hard for me because I have to watch one of my friends be so suicidal. And guess what? I can't do a fucking thing except wait.

Like Ashley said...you just got to hang on. Be by her side and fight it out. It's like the flu. Nothing you can now except fight like an animal. And in the end once again...someday...it could be days, weeks, months...perhaps a few years, Havana will return back to her old self.

God, I'd give anything for her to be happy again. I remember those days when she didn't worry about anything. Love never was an issue ever, or Depression never came up because hell, none of us had it. It was just us amigas...Sam, Havana, and me. I know those days will come up again. I'm not a doubter. Sure, our childhood was bliss, but so will be our adulthood.

I got to stop being a hero, cause I'm not one. I never was and never will be one. I got to be a friend now. A best friend.

For starters, I shouldn't bitch about how hard it is to deal with friends who have depression. I should be helping them, not moping. If I do, Depression might warp my mind. That's damn right!! *stomps all over her following post up there* No pity for me. :P I don't want it.

Second off, no matter what happens...even if I get yelled at, or ignored, hell, I better keep fighting. My best pallie ain't yelling at me, it's that stupid Depression. *snarls at him* xD My friend is in NEED! NEEEEDDDD!!! I...I got to do something!!

*smacks head* That's what being a best friend is about ya'll! I...I *lowers knees* ...Jesus, I gotta do something. That's...whoa.

And that's ALL I have to say about that...

I don't know, but I believe in yesterday
And what it means
To bleed and know that you're okay

Are you waiting?
No matter what you say
No matter what you do
No matter what, I'm always right there behind you

(7 scratched-up Jean Greys |*mrow*| This cat's got claws!!)

*yawns* [14 Sep 2002|11:08am]
[ mood | okay ]

Do not call Sam....Sam no more. You must refer to her as Otto, according to her. *blinks* ...isn't that interesting? xD

OH! I might do a new theme for the ollllle LJ. *pats it* ...I need a vote!...but since I can't do that fancy voting crap that the rich LJ folk have xD, I'll just do a non-html one down here!

Which should be my next layout...?

A.) Something simple...perhaps serious with dark colors...dark colors rawk.
B.) Something totally wacky!! Like...a cartoony villain in odd themed colors!! That'd be coooool.
C.) Mis-matched colors! :D You know...like purple and green! Or pink and orange!
D.) Leave it the way it is!!

Just put A, B, C, or D!

Hmmmm...still worried about Havana though. Can't go on life without worrying about her.

Oh man -- Harry. Should I tell you the truth? How do I tell you? If that monster was your father -- -- He wasn't here to kill you -- he was trying to kill me. Or maybe both of us. I don't even know. I mean -- why would he want to kill either of us? Why? Did what turned me into Spider-man turn your Dad into that? Did what happened to him have something to do what happened to me? I don't know. I don't even really know what happened to me. Does it even matter now? I mean, it's all over.

Hang in there, Harry.

(This cat's got claws!!)

Well than... [14 Sep 2002|08:27am]
[ mood | crazy ]

Had some sleep, and like the ballastic 5-year-old I am, that cries and screams around I went to sleep. xD But God, I had the worst nightmare. I had a dream that the terroists were really out of hand and like...*thinks back* 10 of America's planes were hijacked and crashed. Mannnn, that was terrible because I remember staring up in the sky and watching two of them crash in the air at midnight at a distance. Than I ran over to a T.V. to see if it was on the news. I was babysitting Sam and my parents were gone which made it worse. It was a Friday, I remember...

But I woke up, and laughed myself stupid because it was just a stupid dream and got up. :)

Ahhhh, thanks Kelly and Unkey Justin. xD :) You've really helped me last night. I was really...ugh, and well...*hugs both of them* Thanks for it. :)

And now, I must wait till 10 AM till my show's on, xD, soooo quizzys!

I'mmmmm baaaacccckkkkkkk! xDCollapse )

(6 scratched-up Jean Greys |*mrow*| This cat's got claws!!)

*very depressed sigh* [13 Sep 2002|10:24pm]
[ mood | depressed ]

Suicide. A coward's way out. The ultimate selfish thing to achieve in life. Far worse than anything you can ever want to do.

Don't be selfish kids... think of your family. Think of your friends...

This message was brought to you by Smokey the Bear...

Well, this weekend's just starting REAL nice. :( One of my best friend wants a gun. Whee. :'( I think I'm going to go to my room and cry. AND THAN, cry some more...until...err...I pass out. Yeah...yeah that'll do. *walks off like a teenager-y girl* I DON'T WANNA TALK ABOUT IT... *runs off in tears...*

(1 scratched-up Jean Grey |*mrow*| This cat's got claws!!)

Yahoo! :D [13 Sep 2002|10:08pm]
[ mood | geeky ]

Well, my Saturday will look the 'swellest' tomorrow! I'm going to wake up reaaaaalllllly early and watch some of those Fox Family cartoonys on. Hwa! Despite half of the programming I really can't stand to watch. xD

Than, I'm going to eat some Mom's 'special breakfast' before we leave the house. (Hey Sam, how does blueberry pancakes sound? xD)
We have to go to the mall too...the big mall. O_-! But hey, who cares...xD I can finally get a certain person's b-day present in the process of it all. (Maybe get me some of them comics I wanted...? *gasp*)

OOOHHH! CHECK THIS OUT! I'm a getting me this tomorrow!!!

Won't I look spiffy? xD

God, I'm such a geek. :D *beams*

Well I gotta go bed nowwwwwwww...I feel like eyeballs are sinking outta my...eye...balls. xD Good night!! *jumps off and crashes against a wall* ...ow my nose....

(13 scratched-up Jean Greys |*mrow*| This cat's got claws!!)

Oh.... [12 Sep 2002|09:51pm]
[ mood | grateful ]

Before I go to bed...I just want you guys to know how much I love you, and would never leave you for ANYBODY...*hugs*

(4 scratched-up Jean Greys |*mrow*| This cat's got claws!!)

[12 Sep 2002|09:45pm]
[ mood | peaceful ]

*looks around*...how do you help somebody who wants to die so closely...but leaves off the comment button in their LJ? ...It's like leaving home without your clothes to get serious.

I feel like I'm chasing after somebody...screaming for them not do something that might cost them...obviously their life, and they lock the doors on me before I can help.

I hate that feeling. Trapped, insecure feeling...

Eh! Quote of the day, because I thought it rawked...by an ingenius fan author I read today.

‘It’s a weird thing, for me anyway. I don’t dream anymore, like I used to. Is that good…or bad? I used to have dreams about mangled corpses and substantial, thick scarlet blood all over my face and limbs. I now look at my hands, they’re the same…same as they always have been. But it’s more than that…I feel like I’m living in a snow globe…and the dome just cracked.’

I love that. Isn't that cool?

Wellllll, besides the 'trapped' feeling, I'm going to try to look optimistic! xD :) At least I can sleep soon. (YAY! SLEEEEPPP!) Plus, I'm just obbessed with reading 'Pet Semetary.' by Stephen King. You guys should read it sometime, if you like zombie animals. xD

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